Sunday, 28 October 2001
I'm rushing to write this as I know that if I don't do it tonight, I don't know when I'll get round to it!

On the 26th of September I gave birth to a beautiful baby girl at 5.30 am, weighing 7Ib 11oz and 52 cm long. I am so proud that I managed to survive the labour with just gas and air and required no stitches!

I think a lot of it's to do with having Auntie Anne as my birthing partner - she was brilliant and I am so glad that I shared such a wonderful and emotional event with her. The birth was the most amazing experience of my life and part of me still doesn't believe I did it!

Breastfeeding has been an interesting experience! I wonder when I will see the day that I can wear an ordinary bra? Daniel has been around every single day just about and we spend the last weekend together which I hate to say was lovely. He told me on Friday that he can't stop thinking about me, said that he misses me and wants to be with me but will that really happen?
Monday, 24 September 2001
Well, this is the last time I write before I am no longer a single woman. Next time I manage to find the time to write I will be a mum!

I still can't believe it and am feeling so sick with nerves. I am going into hospital tomorrow between 4 and 5 pm to be induced. Providing there are no complications I should have my baby by the night of Wednesday 26 September 2001. Auntie Anne (birthing partner) is on her way.

I still can't get my head around the whole thing.....
Sunday, 16 September 2001
I am officially late now and the phone calls have started already.

I now have a horrible feeling that I am going to have to be induced but for some strange reason I feel more relaxed now that the due date has passed.

I went to Helen's wedding yesterday but went to the wrong bloody church! I ended up running like a mad person through town, that didn't start off the labour. I was even dancing at the wedding reception and that didn't get things moving, where is this baby??!!
Tuesday, 11 September 2001
Something dreadful happened today in New York. Two planes crashed into the World Trade Centres, I watched the whole thing on Sky News/CBS/BBC News 24, I was glued to the set.

I'd been cleaning the bathroom upstairs (think this is what they call "nesting" because it is not in my nature to be tidy!) when mum phoned from work and said that she'd heard something about a bomb going off in New York and to put on the news. I'd thought I'd heard something briefly about New York on the radio while I was cleaning but had dismissed it as I thought they were talking about a film. When I turned on the tv I couldn't believe what I was seeing and because it was live I watched as the second plane hit the other tower. I watched as people jumped from the trade centres and then as the towers fell people running from the rubble and ash that filled the air. I haven't been able to stop thinking about it. I have never seen anything like that in my life. There were further planes involved, all those people who have lost their lives. It was thought that the first plane might have been a freak accident but now it's transpiring that it's a terrorist attack. What the hell's going on, what kind of world am I bringing my child into??
Sunday, 26 August 2001
I feel I'm really getting to know this baby now. It's just so active and makes me laugh so much. I'm just so desperate to know what it looks like, whether it's a boy or a girl but at the same time shitting myself about the whole labour thing.

My pushchair has arrived and I spent most of the evening trying to get the knack of all the gadgets etc. It's an amazing thing. I have the Dr tomorrow and will now have to go every week. My stretchmarks are absolutely repulsive and I constantly wonder will my body ever recover? I still have to complete my birthing plan and need to think about packing my hospital bags as the baby could come early.

I feel like I'm carry a boy, they say ("they" being old wives) that if you're all out the front with your bump then it's a boy, which I am. The issue is that Daniel already has 2 daughters and there's a part of me that thinks that it would make such a difference if the baby was a boy, he'd be more interested then. I hate that, I just wish I felt neutral because although I don't think I would, I would hate to feel disappointed at having a girl. When I think about all the lovely girly clothes you can get, pinks, ribbons, bunches, going to see Robbie together (I would just be escorting of course!). God, I can't believe I've just about done it!
Wednesday, 8 August 2001
Only 5 1/2 weeks to go, give or take a couple. I had the hospital yesterday and thankfully everything is ok, although never had an ultrasound. I'm really disappointed as I wanted to see the baby. Even though I have this baby kicking inside me there is still a part of me that is in denial, that can't believe I'm actually going to be a mum. I've been told I'm very neat, in other words I just look like I have a football up my jumper so I was a bit anxious about the baby's size but the nurse reassured me and told me the baby's actually quite long (won't be taking after me then!). I heard the heartbeat again which made me think it may be a girl as it wasn't very fast. They say that a boy's heartbeat is faster than a girl's.

Sarah and Pam came around last night to see me and I felt like I had nothing to talk to them about. They didn't really ask me about the baby and I began to wonder why they had even bothered coming up. I suspect sadly that it was out of curiosity. Pam is Daniel's niece, she was in the year below me in school and we used to see each other out and about but rarely talked to each other. Since then she's become good friends with Sarah probably because I am no longer able to head out at the weekend - I'm no use now. When I was about 2-3 months pregnant I couldn't believe it when Pam came up to me in Marks & Spencers while I was looking at elasticated stretchy trousers. I could've died on the spot because I knew she'd be wondering why:

a) I was in Marks & Spencers shopping and
b) why I was looking at elasticated waistes.

She'd seen me out, she knew I was a Topshop girl, what was I going to say? I didn't say anything, she said it all for me.

"I know you're pregnant, Mum knows, Uncle Daniel's told her." This had taken me by surprise because he'd told me not to tell anyone, he didn't want me to tell mum, he just wanted me to go and have an abortion and keep it all quiet. When a male colleague came up to me and told me he'd been told by Daniel that I was pregnant I'd realised that apparently keeping it quiet was only applicable to me.

I haven't heard from Daniel all week, I'm realy disappointed because I'd told him I had the hospital appointment and he said he'd phone me before then. I have to accept that this baby is going to brought up by just me and that he's not going to play an active role. I will never stop the child from seeing him. However I will not let him screw up the baby's life or mine for that matter. I just hate how this whole experience has been tainted by his shitty behaviour.
Monday, 23 July 2001
I can't believe that I have got less than 8 weeks to go - it seems crazy that in 2 months time my life is going to completely change and I will be somebody's mum! I now have my changing unit set up which I have borrowed from mum's friend at work.

I still think about Daniel often and wonder if he will be there nearer the time, it's so difficult to know what to do for the best. I don't want my child to have some kind of distant relationship with their Dad.

Towards the end of last year I had decided I was going to travel around Australia. I'd put it off and off because mum wasn't keen about me going on my own but my flat mate Becky at the time said that she'd come with me so I started saving. I never imagined that I'd be using that money to buy a push chair (£350 - unbelievable, I sold my car for less!), a cot, a changing mat, the list goes on. I regret not travelling now, I've missed my chance, haven't I? There are times in your life when you should just grasp an opportunity because you just never know what could be around the corner.
Friday, 20 July 2001
I walked out of work today and not one person said goodbye to me. It was my last day.
Tuesday, 17 July 2001
The baby has been going crazy in my stomach and my waist is now 40 inches! My bellybutton is completely flat and looks as if it may just pop out! The other week my stomach felt really itchy and I wondered if I had a rash but because it has got so big I couldn't see so I had to ask Mum to look. "Oh, oh" was her reaction. Enter stretchmark number 1 into my life. It brought a certain amount of disgust and devestation to the kitchen that morning and then later that week it had brought along numbers 2, 3, 4, 5, 6......
Thursday, 28 June 2001
Work is proving very difficult at the moment. Today I found someone had put a leaflet about baby seats on my chair. This may initially appear quite considerate but the sniggering man in the other office proved that this wasn't the case. So far I have had my boss tell me about the agonising labour pains that she went through, not to mention the still births as well as other upsetting remarks. Daniel hasn't stuck up for me once, in fact no-one has. I can't wait to go on maternity leave and get out of that place. It's not like I even make a fuss about being pregnant, I'm still carrying out tasks that I know I probably shouldn't but I don't want them to think that I'm not capable of the job. I'll need my job to come back to after all.
Monday, 18 June 2001
It's my birthday today and I actually had a really nice time. I'm back home living with Mum now and it's actually going ok, we seem to be getting on fine surprisingly. Daniel got me Jean-Paul Gaultier perfume, flowers and bizarrely Legend by Bob Marley on CD. I am curious as to his reasoning behind this choice as he has never heard me make any reference to reggae music or an undying love of Rastafarians. Don't get me wrong, back in the good old days before I was growing a little life inside me, I went through a phase of listening to Marley, that album in particular but it was usually accompanied by a special cigarette. Won't be having any more of those! In fact even cutting out alcohol hasn't been as hard as I thought it would be, your priorities change - don't they?

Take last Saturday for example. I decided to go out for a change, well, these days my friends aren't so keen to come and spend a Saturday night in with me. It was a whole new experience, going to a club without my beer goggles on. In fact it was quite worrying watching some of the girls initially looking all glam but slowly deteriorating into women who could barely keep their eyelids open, let alone stand. Moving from one bloke to another. Had I been like that? God, were people looking at me thinking "it's not surprising she's pregnant and on her own, remember the states she used to get into?" I'd sat at home feeling like I was missing out while my friends were heading out every weekend when in actual fact I wasn't missing anything. Was this what I used to think was a good weekend?

To add insult to injury I ended up bumping into Daniel, his face dropped when he saw me and he looked absolutely gutted. I felt like a complete embarrassment to him, he assured me that he was pleased to see me but his eyes said something else.
Tuesday, 5 June 2001
I really should be making more of an effort to record every little detail about my baby's development. I've been rubbish so far and totally wrapped up in whatever has been going on with Daniel. I've even been thinking today about whether I should give the baby his surname! There's a part of me that wonders why I am thinking like this. I have come to the conclusion that I must love him. I do miss him and I hate to admit that. Is it a case that because I can't have him, I want him more? I mean, I know I'm carrying his baby so there's an obvious tie but had I not got pregnant would I still be interested in him?

The problem is that when he's got a drink in him he calls, tells me he wants to be with me, his wife and him are sleeping in separate beds blah, blah, blah. He called me on Saturday night drunk but I didn't take much notice of him or at least I tried not to.

I don't expect him to chose between his children and I but I can't compete with his wife. I feel awful that inadvertently I've ended up having an affair with a man who was originally separated and I'm carrying his child.
Tuesday, 17 April 2001
Yesterday was horrible at work, hardly surprising given the weekend's events. Medusa would have been proud of Daniel. The look that he gave me when he walked through reception yesterday morning did more than just turn me to stone, it broke me.

It perhaps sounds selfish as I have no idea how his wife would have felt when she took that phone call on Friday night. Daniel could at least discuss the situation with me, he owed me that at least - didn't he?

I have now decided that I don't want him to see or have anything to do with the baby. I suppose at least now I have seen his true colours. I'm seeing the doctor tomorrow as I'm just so stressed at work and I'm worried about the effect it will be having on the baby.
Friday, 13 April 2001
I left the house tonight with one of my flatmates threatening to phone Daniel's wife at work, she said she's had enough of me suffering and thought he was being a complete bastard for not telling his wife. Well, I could hardly disagree.

So I left her to it, told my Mum I would be staying at hers for the night and went to see Bridget Jones at the cinema. It was so funny and Hugh Grant actually looked rather attractive, typical me, finding the bad boy sexy. Sitting in the cinema watching the film was a good distraction, it'll allowed me time to forget everything that was going on in the outside world. For just over 1 and a half hours I was transported back to being a single girl, back to a time when all I had to worry about was what outfit to wear on a Saturday night and whether that disgusting spot would disappear on my chin.

I was still single when I walked out of the cinema except I now had the name tag of "mother to be" attached. I also wondered what might be going on elsewhere, was someone just about to learn that their husband had a very big secret?
Wednesday, 28 March 2001
My bump is growing dramatically now although I made sure I could still get my belly button piercing in! Attempted to finish with Daniel, I say attempted because I told him we should stay away from each other because of the fact he obviously didn't want to be with me, he said nothing. I just got out of his car and slammed the door hard. Yeah, slamming the door, that'll show him, that'll make him realise that I mean business. This new found energy is a bonus.

He hasn't made any attempt to discuss the situation at all. Thank god for the baby. I know that sounds bizarre considering the mess of everything but I just think of it growing inside me and everything else seems irrelevant.

Work is bollocks, it's hardly surprising since I have to see Daniel there everyday.

I wish Andrew Lincoln (Egg from This Life) was my love interest then I wouldn't have to put up with this shit, plus he's got good music taste.
Monday, 12 March 2001
Feel fantastic today, like I have heaps of energy and my mood has lifted. I suppose this has something to do with the fact that I'm in my second trimester. This is where you are supposed to start having lots of energy and be over the worst of the morning sickness which thankfully has stopped. I really shouldn't have complained about it, some people suffer with it throughout their whole pregnancy. The disgusting metalic taste I have had for the past few weeks has also disappeared. I've found myself wondering if I'll ever feel like my old self again.

I don't know how long I'll be able to continue house sharing, my flat mates are a great support, especially Mary who has helped me get through some really tough moments but it's not an ideal environment for a pregnant person to be in. For a start the majority of my flat mates smoke and for me personally, it's difficult seeing them all getting geared out for a night out when all I've felt capable of until recently was crash on the sofa.

My wee bump is starting to show and I feel really proud of it although I feel that I do have to hide it from Daniel. He only seems to be interested in me when he wants attention or affection from me.
Monday, 5 March 2001
I am having real fears today that I may not manage to cope with having a child on my own. I was down at Natalie's tonight babysitting her daughter and she was crying (apparently babies do this quite a lot). It made me think, will I be as patient or as calm as Natalie when I've got a screaming baby? How will I know what she or he wants?

I just want to prove to people that this is something that I can manage on my own, with or without Daniel's support. That'll be the kind of support where he finds out I'm pregnant, tells me he'll help me out and moves his wife and 2 children back into his house. Apparently they're being made homeless and have nowhere else to go. I'm trying to be really understanding about it but at the same time I'm thinking does this mean that they're getting back together? Is he not aware that there is a baby growing inside me and perhaps he should make his wife aware of this before she moves back in. I mean, should she know?
Friday, 2 March 2001
Helen at work asked me to be her bridesmaid at her wedding on September 15th. This is the first time I've been asked to be a bridesmaid since I was one for my Auntie when I was 8. Ironically the date of Helen's wedding is the date the baby is due. I knew at that point I was going to have to tell work so I went through to see my boss.

My boss is female so you would expect some understanding of the situation, especially since she is a mother herself albeit her children are grown up. I did not expect the following:

"You're pregnant to Daniel, the biggest tomcat in the town?" (well, in a way she was right, he was known for being a ladies man married or not)
"You're keeping the baby? Why on earth, it's only a bunch of cells."

Hmmm thanks for the support there and the sympathetic advice. I responded with "actually it's growing limbs at the moment". I couldn't think what else to say, I was in total shock at her cutting remarks.

After that I went and explained to Helen that with great disappointment I wouldn't be able to be her bridesmaid and told her I was pregnant. "Oh", was her simple response and then she got back to work.

Of course when the other girls in the office found out, they had all sensed beforehand. Apparently it's all in the eyes.
Saturday, 24 February 2001
I am continuing my pregnancy against Daniel's wishes and have given him the opportunity to walk away from it all but he hasn't. I will now have to tell work on Monday, that'll be interesting. I feel much better now that I have made a decision.

When I had my appointment at the Gynaecology department last week they took a scan to see how "far gone" I was. While carrying out the ultrasound (god that jelly's cold!) the nurse asked if I'd like to see the imagine. I don't know why but I said yes. I wasn't quite sure what I would see, I mean, would it just be like a bubble or number of bubbles, it's only cells after all? What I hadn't anticipated on seeing was a tiny little heartbeat. For what seemed like an eternity I was glued to that screen watching this little flicker on the screen, I felt as though I could almost hear the heartbeat through the image. I suddenly realised that although my baby resembled a cashew nut on screen there was no denying that I had a little life growing inside me and it was at that point my decision was made.
Thursday, 8 February 2001
God, I feel so sick, whichever Dr classed it as "morning sickness" should be done under the trades description act, this sickness lasts all day. I think I've managed to convince them at work that I had a bout of food poisoning but how long can that go on for? I can't even watch adverts with food in them without feeling the desire to heave.

Quite a lot has happened since I last wrote. I now have an appointment with the Sister up at the Gynaecology department about a termination. Last week I was so sure it was what I wanted as I had started to feel so ill and off my food but recently I've been feeling quite maternal, almost aware of the fact that something is growing inside of me. I thought I was so sure of my decision....
Tuesday, 23 January 2001
Everything keeps going around in my head. I saw my own GP today and this time Daniel came with me. While we were discussing the possibility of an abortion I suddenly became aware that all his reasons for going down that route were based around him and his life. I don't think he can understand at all why I may want to keep this baby, but then why should he? He's only been with me for a month and he's already got two children not to mention the estranged wife. Is this really the kind of life that I want to bring a baby into? I'm so scared of not coping, I can barely look after myself, how the hell am I going to look after a baby? What do I do?
Thursday, 18 January 2001
It breaks my heart, thinking about having an abortion. I thought Daniel might stand by me (which I must admit, surprised me at first) as he'd indicated this yesterday but now I think he's shocked at the thought of me keeping the baby. Having an abortion would be the easy way out, no-one would need to know but I just struggle so much with that concept. I just don't know if I can do it, it doesn't feel right, none of this even feels real.
Wednesday, 17 January 2001
So I've been along to the family planning clinic on my own to have my pregnancy confirmed by a Dr. I felt a bit of a fraud sitting there, aged 23 amongst all the teenagers, shouldn't I have known better? Shouldn't I be setting an example regarding safe sex? It would appear not. I couldn't face visiting my own surgery after disregarding my Dr's almost psychic diagnosis following my request for the Pill.

It is hard to believe that even as I write this I have something growing inside me, it just doesn't feel real. I woke up today and for a moment had forgotten, for a second everything was ok. I have no idea what I'm going to do and haven't even had a chance to properly discuss this with Daniel. Perhaps I should put something in his diary at work tomorrow "must discuss possible 9 month contract", perhaps he'd speak to me then?
Monday, 15 January 2001
When my boyfriend dropped me off at my flat after I'd told him my (or should that be our?) news he never said "I love you". I really needed an "I love you", even a "love you" would have been enough but I needed something from him so that I didn't feel so alone.

I should probably give you some background on my boyfriend and perhaps give him a name. Daniel and I had been working in the same company for a year and a half when something happened between us. When I had first met him I thought he was a bit smooth, not really my type. In fact, I thought he was a closet gay who fancied himself as a bit of a Martin Fry look a like from ABC (he would probably argue Simon Le Bon from Duran Duran). His style certainly gave the impression that he was possibly stuck in the 80s and not in a good way.

It was one Saturday night that I bumped into him and his friend in the local nightspot while I was out with my friend Sarah. Sarah knew his friend quite well and in my usual cheeky (and drunken) style I started taken the piss out of Daniel. I don't know how it happened but somehow we ended up on the dance floor and I remember thinking Oh my god, are we going to kiss? We did and I remember thinking it was highly amusing that I was kissing a 40 year old man. It was all just a laugh really to me and when he walked me home to my flat I said good bye and left him to go and find himself a taxi. Yes he was married but he'd been separated from his wife for a few months or at least that was the impression given in the office where we worked. However, that first kiss still got me into a lot of trouble because just over a month and a half later I picked that pregnancy test back out of the bin.
Sunday, 14 January 2001
I had laughed at the Dr when he'd asked if I thought I might be pregnant. I had made an appointment to be put back on the Pill as I felt it was the sensible thing to do. Sensible compared to what I had been doing, assuming that a 41 year old would be incapable of making me pregnant, that his little swimmers were in fact more of the back crawl variety. Where exactly was I during the sex education lessons at school? Probably drawing my initials in a heart with whoever was flavour of the month.

"So where exactly are in you in your monthly cycle?" the Dr had asked. "Oh I'm almost a week late". "Do you think you could be pregnant?" "Oh no, I've been late before". Although admittedly never while I was having unprotected sex....hmmm. I'd literally skipped out of the surgery with my prescription unaware of what was going to face me in the next two days.

When I picked out that test, in that split second that I saw the line, I knew that no matter what happened my life had changed. If I hadn't have picked it out of the bin to show my friend then I would have had a couple of days of normality.

My boyfriend (although my mum would disagree with that title. "Boyfriend? He's hardly a boy!")took it well. He clasped his hand over his eyes and spent the rest of the night/early hours of the morning drinking Gin downstairs leaving me upstairs on my own, except I wasn't on my own anymore, was I?
Saturday, 13 January 2001
Was it a man who invented the home pregnancy test? It must have been because no woman would put another woman through peeing on a stick at such an awkward angle i.e. sitting on a toilet seat, bending over to try and angle the "flow" correctly. Maybe I just didn't have the technique right because I'd managed to pee all over the fate wand. The little magic window that would tell me whether my days of partying would be over or not was now unrecognisable due to my mis-aim. Having waited for the recommended time I realised that I must have wrecked the fate wand and chucked it in the bin. It was when my friend came round later that night that I whipped the fate stick out of the bin to demonstrate how useful I was at even peeing that we both noticed the magic windows had worked. A quick trip later to the 24 hour supermarket to purchase the more upmarket of pregnancy tests confirmed my worst fears. I was 23 and pregnant to my 41 year old married work colleague.....


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Bird on a Wire
Imagine Carrie from Sex and the City morphed with Bridget Jones and a baby thrown in for added entertainment – that’s me, the ever optimistic romantic looking for my Mr Big but already with child! Read my blog from the beginning where I find out I am pregnant following a brief fling with my much older male colleague and fast forward to where I am now, stressed out working mum to my beautiful 10 year old daughter wondering if love really does in fact exist at first sight.
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