Thursday, 28 June 2001
Work is proving very difficult at the moment. Today I found someone had put a leaflet about baby seats on my chair. This may initially appear quite considerate but the sniggering man in the other office proved that this wasn't the case. So far I have had my boss tell me about the agonising labour pains that she went through, not to mention the still births as well as other upsetting remarks. Daniel hasn't stuck up for me once, in fact no-one has. I can't wait to go on maternity leave and get out of that place. It's not like I even make a fuss about being pregnant, I'm still carrying out tasks that I know I probably shouldn't but I don't want them to think that I'm not capable of the job. I'll need my job to come back to after all.
Monday, 18 June 2001
It's my birthday today and I actually had a really nice time. I'm back home living with Mum now and it's actually going ok, we seem to be getting on fine surprisingly. Daniel got me Jean-Paul Gaultier perfume, flowers and bizarrely Legend by Bob Marley on CD. I am curious as to his reasoning behind this choice as he has never heard me make any reference to reggae music or an undying love of Rastafarians. Don't get me wrong, back in the good old days before I was growing a little life inside me, I went through a phase of listening to Marley, that album in particular but it was usually accompanied by a special cigarette. Won't be having any more of those! In fact even cutting out alcohol hasn't been as hard as I thought it would be, your priorities change - don't they?

Take last Saturday for example. I decided to go out for a change, well, these days my friends aren't so keen to come and spend a Saturday night in with me. It was a whole new experience, going to a club without my beer goggles on. In fact it was quite worrying watching some of the girls initially looking all glam but slowly deteriorating into women who could barely keep their eyelids open, let alone stand. Moving from one bloke to another. Had I been like that? God, were people looking at me thinking "it's not surprising she's pregnant and on her own, remember the states she used to get into?" I'd sat at home feeling like I was missing out while my friends were heading out every weekend when in actual fact I wasn't missing anything. Was this what I used to think was a good weekend?

To add insult to injury I ended up bumping into Daniel, his face dropped when he saw me and he looked absolutely gutted. I felt like a complete embarrassment to him, he assured me that he was pleased to see me but his eyes said something else.
Tuesday, 5 June 2001
I really should be making more of an effort to record every little detail about my baby's development. I've been rubbish so far and totally wrapped up in whatever has been going on with Daniel. I've even been thinking today about whether I should give the baby his surname! There's a part of me that wonders why I am thinking like this. I have come to the conclusion that I must love him. I do miss him and I hate to admit that. Is it a case that because I can't have him, I want him more? I mean, I know I'm carrying his baby so there's an obvious tie but had I not got pregnant would I still be interested in him?

The problem is that when he's got a drink in him he calls, tells me he wants to be with me, his wife and him are sleeping in separate beds blah, blah, blah. He called me on Saturday night drunk but I didn't take much notice of him or at least I tried not to.

I don't expect him to chose between his children and I but I can't compete with his wife. I feel awful that inadvertently I've ended up having an affair with a man who was originally separated and I'm carrying his child.


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Bird on a Wire
Imagine Carrie from Sex and the City morphed with Bridget Jones and a baby thrown in for added entertainment – that’s me, the ever optimistic romantic looking for my Mr Big but already with child! Read my blog from the beginning where I find out I am pregnant following a brief fling with my much older male colleague and fast forward to where I am now, stressed out working mum to my beautiful 10 year old daughter wondering if love really does in fact exist at first sight.
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