Tuesday, 23 January 2001
Everything keeps going around in my head. I saw my own GP today and this time Daniel came with me. While we were discussing the possibility of an abortion I suddenly became aware that all his reasons for going down that route were based around him and his life. I don't think he can understand at all why I may want to keep this baby, but then why should he? He's only been with me for a month and he's already got two children not to mention the estranged wife. Is this really the kind of life that I want to bring a baby into? I'm so scared of not coping, I can barely look after myself, how the hell am I going to look after a baby? What do I do?
Thursday, 18 January 2001
It breaks my heart, thinking about having an abortion. I thought Daniel might stand by me (which I must admit, surprised me at first) as he'd indicated this yesterday but now I think he's shocked at the thought of me keeping the baby. Having an abortion would be the easy way out, no-one would need to know but I just struggle so much with that concept. I just don't know if I can do it, it doesn't feel right, none of this even feels real.
Wednesday, 17 January 2001
So I've been along to the family planning clinic on my own to have my pregnancy confirmed by a Dr. I felt a bit of a fraud sitting there, aged 23 amongst all the teenagers, shouldn't I have known better? Shouldn't I be setting an example regarding safe sex? It would appear not. I couldn't face visiting my own surgery after disregarding my Dr's almost psychic diagnosis following my request for the Pill.

It is hard to believe that even as I write this I have something growing inside me, it just doesn't feel real. I woke up today and for a moment had forgotten, for a second everything was ok. I have no idea what I'm going to do and haven't even had a chance to properly discuss this with Daniel. Perhaps I should put something in his diary at work tomorrow "must discuss possible 9 month contract", perhaps he'd speak to me then?
Monday, 15 January 2001
When my boyfriend dropped me off at my flat after I'd told him my (or should that be our?) news he never said "I love you". I really needed an "I love you", even a "love you" would have been enough but I needed something from him so that I didn't feel so alone.

I should probably give you some background on my boyfriend and perhaps give him a name. Daniel and I had been working in the same company for a year and a half when something happened between us. When I had first met him I thought he was a bit smooth, not really my type. In fact, I thought he was a closet gay who fancied himself as a bit of a Martin Fry look a like from ABC (he would probably argue Simon Le Bon from Duran Duran). His style certainly gave the impression that he was possibly stuck in the 80s and not in a good way.

It was one Saturday night that I bumped into him and his friend in the local nightspot while I was out with my friend Sarah. Sarah knew his friend quite well and in my usual cheeky (and drunken) style I started taken the piss out of Daniel. I don't know how it happened but somehow we ended up on the dance floor and I remember thinking Oh my god, are we going to kiss? We did and I remember thinking it was highly amusing that I was kissing a 40 year old man. It was all just a laugh really to me and when he walked me home to my flat I said good bye and left him to go and find himself a taxi. Yes he was married but he'd been separated from his wife for a few months or at least that was the impression given in the office where we worked. However, that first kiss still got me into a lot of trouble because just over a month and a half later I picked that pregnancy test back out of the bin.
Sunday, 14 January 2001
I had laughed at the Dr when he'd asked if I thought I might be pregnant. I had made an appointment to be put back on the Pill as I felt it was the sensible thing to do. Sensible compared to what I had been doing, assuming that a 41 year old would be incapable of making me pregnant, that his little swimmers were in fact more of the back crawl variety. Where exactly was I during the sex education lessons at school? Probably drawing my initials in a heart with whoever was flavour of the month.

"So where exactly are in you in your monthly cycle?" the Dr had asked. "Oh I'm almost a week late". "Do you think you could be pregnant?" "Oh no, I've been late before". Although admittedly never while I was having unprotected sex....hmmm. I'd literally skipped out of the surgery with my prescription unaware of what was going to face me in the next two days.

When I picked out that test, in that split second that I saw the line, I knew that no matter what happened my life had changed. If I hadn't have picked it out of the bin to show my friend then I would have had a couple of days of normality.

My boyfriend (although my mum would disagree with that title. "Boyfriend? He's hardly a boy!")took it well. He clasped his hand over his eyes and spent the rest of the night/early hours of the morning drinking Gin downstairs leaving me upstairs on my own, except I wasn't on my own anymore, was I?
Saturday, 13 January 2001
Was it a man who invented the home pregnancy test? It must have been because no woman would put another woman through peeing on a stick at such an awkward angle i.e. sitting on a toilet seat, bending over to try and angle the "flow" correctly. Maybe I just didn't have the technique right because I'd managed to pee all over the fate wand. The little magic window that would tell me whether my days of partying would be over or not was now unrecognisable due to my mis-aim. Having waited for the recommended time I realised that I must have wrecked the fate wand and chucked it in the bin. It was when my friend came round later that night that I whipped the fate stick out of the bin to demonstrate how useful I was at even peeing that we both noticed the magic windows had worked. A quick trip later to the 24 hour supermarket to purchase the more upmarket of pregnancy tests confirmed my worst fears. I was 23 and pregnant to my 41 year old married work colleague.....


Follow singlemumlife on Twitter

About Me

My Photo
Bird on a Wire
Imagine Carrie from Sex and the City morphed with Bridget Jones and a baby thrown in for added entertainment – that’s me, the ever optimistic romantic looking for my Mr Big but already with child! Read my blog from the beginning where I find out I am pregnant following a brief fling with my much older male colleague and fast forward to where I am now, stressed out working mum to my beautiful 10 year old daughter wondering if love really does in fact exist at first sight.
View my complete profile