Sunday, 26 August 2001
I feel I'm really getting to know this baby now. It's just so active and makes me laugh so much. I'm just so desperate to know what it looks like, whether it's a boy or a girl but at the same time shitting myself about the whole labour thing.

My pushchair has arrived and I spent most of the evening trying to get the knack of all the gadgets etc. It's an amazing thing. I have the Dr tomorrow and will now have to go every week. My stretchmarks are absolutely repulsive and I constantly wonder will my body ever recover? I still have to complete my birthing plan and need to think about packing my hospital bags as the baby could come early.

I feel like I'm carry a boy, they say ("they" being old wives) that if you're all out the front with your bump then it's a boy, which I am. The issue is that Daniel already has 2 daughters and there's a part of me that thinks that it would make such a difference if the baby was a boy, he'd be more interested then. I hate that, I just wish I felt neutral because although I don't think I would, I would hate to feel disappointed at having a girl. When I think about all the lovely girly clothes you can get, pinks, ribbons, bunches, going to see Robbie together (I would just be escorting of course!). God, I can't believe I've just about done it!
Wednesday, 8 August 2001
Only 5 1/2 weeks to go, give or take a couple. I had the hospital yesterday and thankfully everything is ok, although never had an ultrasound. I'm really disappointed as I wanted to see the baby. Even though I have this baby kicking inside me there is still a part of me that is in denial, that can't believe I'm actually going to be a mum. I've been told I'm very neat, in other words I just look like I have a football up my jumper so I was a bit anxious about the baby's size but the nurse reassured me and told me the baby's actually quite long (won't be taking after me then!). I heard the heartbeat again which made me think it may be a girl as it wasn't very fast. They say that a boy's heartbeat is faster than a girl's.

Sarah and Pam came around last night to see me and I felt like I had nothing to talk to them about. They didn't really ask me about the baby and I began to wonder why they had even bothered coming up. I suspect sadly that it was out of curiosity. Pam is Daniel's niece, she was in the year below me in school and we used to see each other out and about but rarely talked to each other. Since then she's become good friends with Sarah probably because I am no longer able to head out at the weekend - I'm no use now. When I was about 2-3 months pregnant I couldn't believe it when Pam came up to me in Marks & Spencers while I was looking at elasticated stretchy trousers. I could've died on the spot because I knew she'd be wondering why:

a) I was in Marks & Spencers shopping and
b) why I was looking at elasticated waistes.

She'd seen me out, she knew I was a Topshop girl, what was I going to say? I didn't say anything, she said it all for me.

"I know you're pregnant, Mum knows, Uncle Daniel's told her." This had taken me by surprise because he'd told me not to tell anyone, he didn't want me to tell mum, he just wanted me to go and have an abortion and keep it all quiet. When a male colleague came up to me and told me he'd been told by Daniel that I was pregnant I'd realised that apparently keeping it quiet was only applicable to me.

I haven't heard from Daniel all week, I'm realy disappointed because I'd told him I had the hospital appointment and he said he'd phone me before then. I have to accept that this baby is going to brought up by just me and that he's not going to play an active role. I will never stop the child from seeing him. However I will not let him screw up the baby's life or mine for that matter. I just hate how this whole experience has been tainted by his shitty behaviour.


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Bird on a Wire
Imagine Carrie from Sex and the City morphed with Bridget Jones and a baby thrown in for added entertainment – that’s me, the ever optimistic romantic looking for my Mr Big but already with child! Read my blog from the beginning where I find out I am pregnant following a brief fling with my much older male colleague and fast forward to where I am now, stressed out working mum to my beautiful 10 year old daughter wondering if love really does in fact exist at first sight.
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