Wednesday, 13 January 2010
When it comes to love, what should you follow? Your heart or your head? In the past I've always gone with my heart. If those fireworks aren't going off in my belly when I'm with the person then it's just not going to work. However that hadn't been working for me recently which is why I followed my head when it came to Mr Offshore.

You see although I didn't have the fireworks going off, Mr Offshore had some great qualities as follows:

1) He had a fantastic smile and made me laugh (always important)
2) He was romantic
3) Had good dress sense (ok, slightly shallow)
4) Could cook
5) Was completely devoted to me
6) Wanted more children and to get married again
7) Paid for almost everything, food, wine, petrol!
8) Was going to build his own house, which he said could be for all of us
9) When I was at work he would have dinner ready on the table when I came home
10) Didn't think twice about taking me away for a weekend.

The most important of all though was that I completely trusted him. There was no doubt in my mind that he would be completely faithful to me, I knew that he would be there for me, no matter what. I felt I could rely on him.

I can safely say that I have never felt this about anyone. Now that I have Evie it's even more important that I feel I can have someone to depend on and Mr Offshore provided that.

So this is where I followed my head, after all, I thought given time I would fall in love with him. When he said on the third night we spent together "Do you think you could fall in love with me?" something clicked inside me, my heart closing its door. This question freaked me out. We'd only gone on our first proper date the night before, how could I possibly know that but then if I'd been following my heart I would have known that the answer was "no" and I might have saved a lot of heartache.

I later discovered my major faux pas, I slept with him on the first night. Yes, you read right I slept with him. He later said to me that he'd wondered what kind of girl must I be to do that? I laughed at him when he said this and said did he not sleep with me too? Apparently that doesn't count though. The truth was that I was at a party, saw an opportunity with someone I was having fun with and grabbed it. I guess I acted a bit like a man might and I didn't expect to hear from him again, it was just a bit of fun - wasn't it?

As it happened, egged on by our mutual friend I met up with him again and we had a great time. We continued seeing each other (despite the big love question on the 3rd night) and I soon learnt that he had all those wonderful qualities that I'd been looking for in a man. We were both passionate about the same things, although our music and art tastes varied, on paper, it all looked good and it was. In his typical style he told me he loved me sooner than I had wanted. I wanted to be in a position to say this back to him but couldn't and that made me angry, immediately it put me under pressure to put a label on my feelings for him. I'm ashamed to say that I gave in to the pressure and told him I loved him too knowing deep down I didn't but hoping that I eventually would.

It was during a particularly shitty day at work that I applied for the part time school administrator post up in his neck of the woods. It was in the exact location where Mr Offshore was planning his Mill Conversion, a little village in the north east of Scotland. We'd briefly spoken about moving in together if things continued well but not until the summer of 2010, that way Evie could move school during the holidays. There was a part of me deep down that was wondering what the hell I was doing but the other part thinking I needed to do something, feel like I was alive, things felt stagnant and I needed a change.

I received the call to say I'd got the job on the way back to Edinburgh following my interview and before I could stop the words I accepted it. Mr Offshore said he was happy to support me financially as the job was only part-time and on a lower salary grade. I was going to be losing over £12K a year but I tried not to think about that, instead I fantasised about country pubs, only having to work 16 hours a week, being able to spend more time with Evie and going to yoga. Bloody hell, I could go to Yoga! I could eventually get rid of all that tension, stress and frustration that had built up over the years.

The next day I told my colleague, who I often confide in, that I'd got the job and was taking it. I could tell by her face that she was gutted, she knew I'd be making a big mistake, at that point I just couldn't see it. Within the week, I'd handed my notice in (verbally, thank god!), told Evie's class teacher and more importantly told Evie about the exciting new start we were going to be making in the country.

She cried every night for the next week, I started freaking out and when I received an email from my very good friend Rapunzel at work telling me she couldn't be happy for me because she didn't believe I was doing the right thing, I broke down. My shoulders heaved as I sobbed uncontrollably hoping no one from the outside world was looking in, watching this lone person howling over her computer keyboard. Suddenly my breathing quickened and before I knew it I was out of rhythm and gasping for air. What the hell was happening? Was I dying? Shit, was the cleaner going to find me slumped on the floor with mascara running down my cheeks? Thank god it wasn't Yves St Laurent - what a waste that would have been! I sent a text to my mum "I can't breathe", possibly not the best text to send when you live 150 miles away. She phoned, I struggled to talk in between the sobbing, "I got an email, can you come down tonight?". It was the first time I'd really ever asked my mum for help since I'd moved to Edinburgh. I felt all alone and I needed her, I needed someone to tell me everything was going to be alright, like she did when I was little.

That was on the Thursday night, before the Saturday night in the pub where I realised Rapunzel had been right, the jealousy was a big issue. It was never going to go away and I wasn't prepared to say goodbye to good friends who I'd known for years just because they were the wrong sex.

That email saved me. It broke me down, held my breath and questioned my friendship but more importantly it gave me back my life because Rapunzel saw the one thing I couldn't, that I deserved the fireworks in my belly.


Rapunzel said...

Ohmigod! That makes me feel bad that you had to call your mum.

If you had told me that you knew you were doing the right thing for you, of course I would have been 100% behind you. I just wasn't convinced, that you were convinced....x


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Bird on a Wire
Imagine Carrie from Sex and the City morphed with Bridget Jones and a baby thrown in for added entertainment – that’s me, the ever optimistic romantic looking for my Mr Big but already with child! Read my blog from the beginning where I find out I am pregnant following a brief fling with my much older male colleague and fast forward to where I am now, stressed out working mum to my beautiful 10 year old daughter wondering if love really does in fact exist at first sight.
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