The Single Mum Life

Work is proving very difficult at the moment. Today I found someone had put a leaflet about baby seats on my chair. This may initially appear quite considerate but the sniggering man in the other office proved that this wasn't the case. So far I have had my boss tell me about the agonising labour pains that she went through, not to mention the still births as well as other upsetting remarks. Daniel hasn't stuck up for me once, in fact no-one has. I can't wait to go on maternity leave and get out of that place. It's not like I even make a fuss about being pregnant, I'm still carrying out tasks that I know I probably shouldn't but I don't want them to think that I'm not capable of the job. I'll need my job to come back to after all.

It's my birthday today and I actually had a really nice time. I'm back home living with Mum now and it's actually going ok, we seem to be getting on fine surprisingly. Daniel got me Jean-Paul Gaultier perfume, flowers and bizarrely Legend by Bob Marley on CD. I am curious as to his reasoning behind this choice as he has never heard me make any reference to reggae music or an undying love of Rastafarians. Don't get me wrong, back in the good old days before I was growing a little life inside me, I went through a phase of listening to Marley, that album in particular but it was usually accompanied by a special cigarette. Won't be having any more of those! In fact even cutting out alcohol hasn't been as hard as I thought it would be, your priorities change - don't they?

Take last Saturday for example. I decided to go out for a change, well, these days my friends aren't so keen to come and spend a Saturday night in with me. It was a whole new experience, going to a club without my beer goggles on. In fact it was quite worrying watching some of the girls initially looking all glam but slowly deteriorating into women who could barely keep their eyelids open, let alone stand. Moving from one bloke to another. Had I been like that? God, were people looking at me thinking "it's not surprising she's pregnant and on her own, remember the states she used to get into?" I'd sat at home feeling like I was missing out while my friends were heading out every weekend when in actual fact I wasn't missing anything. Was this what I used to think was a good weekend?

To add insult to injury I ended up bumping into Daniel, his face dropped when he saw me and he looked absolutely gutted. I felt like a complete embarrassment to him, he assured me that he was pleased to see me but his eyes said something else.

I really should be making more of an effort to record every little detail about my baby's development. I've been rubbish so far and totally wrapped up in whatever has been going on with Daniel. I've even been thinking today about whether I should give the baby his surname! There's a part of me that wonders why I am thinking like this. I have come to the conclusion that I must love him. I do miss him and I hate to admit that. Is it a case that because I can't have him, I want him more? I mean, I know I'm carrying his baby so there's an obvious tie but had I not got pregnant would I still be interested in him?

The problem is that when he's got a drink in him he calls, tells me he wants to be with me, his wife and him are sleeping in separate beds blah, blah, blah. He called me on Saturday night drunk but I didn't take much notice of him or at least I tried not to.

I don't expect him to chose between his children and I but I can't compete with his wife. I feel awful that inadvertently I've ended up having an affair with a man who was originally separated and I'm carrying his child.

Yesterday was horrible at work, hardly surprising given the weekend's events. Medusa would have been proud of Daniel. The look that he gave me when he walked through reception yesterday morning did more than just turn me to stone, it broke me.

It perhaps sounds selfish as I have no idea how his wife would have felt when she took that phone call on Friday night. Daniel could at least discuss the situation with me, he owed me that at least - didn't he?

I have now decided that I don't want him to see or have anything to do with the baby. I suppose at least now I have seen his true colours. I'm seeing the doctor tomorrow as I'm just so stressed at work and I'm worried about the effect it will be having on the baby.

I left the house tonight with one of my flatmates threatening to phone Daniel's wife at work, she said she's had enough of me suffering and thought he was being a complete bastard for not telling his wife. Well, I could hardly disagree.

So I left her to it, told my Mum I would be staying at hers for the night and went to see Bridget Jones at the cinema. It was so funny and Hugh Grant actually looked rather attractive, typical me, finding the bad boy sexy. Sitting in the cinema watching the film was a good distraction, it'll allowed me time to forget everything that was going on in the outside world. For just over 1 and a half hours I was transported back to being a single girl, back to a time when all I had to worry about was what outfit to wear on a Saturday night and whether that disgusting spot would disappear on my chin.

I was still single when I walked out of the cinema except I now had the name tag of "mother to be" attached. I also wondered what might be going on elsewhere, was someone just about to learn that their husband had a very big secret?

My bump is growing dramatically now although I made sure I could still get my belly button piercing in! Attempted to finish with Daniel, I say attempted because I told him we should stay away from each other because of the fact he obviously didn't want to be with me, he said nothing. I just got out of his car and slammed the door hard. Yeah, slamming the door, that'll show him, that'll make him realise that I mean business. This new found energy is a bonus.

He hasn't made any attempt to discuss the situation at all. Thank god for the baby. I know that sounds bizarre considering the mess of everything but I just think of it growing inside me and everything else seems irrelevant.

Work is bollocks, it's hardly surprising since I have to see Daniel there everyday.

I wish Andrew Lincoln (Egg from This Life) was my love interest then I wouldn't have to put up with this shit, plus he's got good music taste.

Feel fantastic today, like I have heaps of energy and my mood has lifted. I suppose this has something to do with the fact that I'm in my second trimester. This is where you are supposed to start having lots of energy and be over the worst of the morning sickness which thankfully has stopped. I really shouldn't have complained about it, some people suffer with it throughout their whole pregnancy. The disgusting metalic taste I have had for the past few weeks has also disappeared. I've found myself wondering if I'll ever feel like my old self again.

I don't know how long I'll be able to continue house sharing, my flat mates are a great support, especially Mary who has helped me get through some really tough moments but it's not an ideal environment for a pregnant person to be in. For a start the majority of my flat mates smoke and for me personally, it's difficult seeing them all getting geared out for a night out when all I've felt capable of until recently was crash on the sofa.

My wee bump is starting to show and I feel really proud of it although I feel that I do have to hide it from Daniel. He only seems to be interested in me when he wants attention or affection from me.