The Single Mum Life

Breaking up with someone is never easy unless you're Phil Collins and have a fax machine. It's difficult enough to try and gently tell someone that you no longer want to be with them but when they shove your Christmas present in your face and demand that you open it you know that you're dealing with a whole different ball game.

What is probably important for you to know at this point is that while we were still in a relationship he had mentioned that he had got my Christmas present and had said the following:

"....it's sooo you, if you don't like it then I don't know you at all and we may as well forget it".

So no pressure there then! It brought me back to thinking about the time Daniel had got me a present for Valentine's Day which he'd especially ordered from Borders. We were living together at this point but I had been having doubts. He'd got a book which he'd seen advertised and thought I would really appreciate it. I was quite taken aback that he had gone to the effort of ordering something for me so was naturally curious as to what this book could be about. It really was quite thoughtful of him.....or so I thought. Please remember, this was a Valentine's present, Valentine meaning loving, romantic or in this case a book entitled "If we're so in love why aren't we happy?" We weren't happy because we weren't in love, I didn't need a book to tell me that.

I had secretly hoped it would be a new laptop, it was the only thing that I could think was totally me plus he knew how frustrated I'd been at my one packing up. Common sense though would have told me that regardless of this fact he hated me being online. He wasn't going to buy me something that would encourage me to go online even more. To give me unlimited access to Facebook and email? I don't think so - what a joke. Except when I opened up the gift it was anything but a joke, it was a white gold diamond cross necklace that just wasn't me. I never wear necklaces and I don't like having a cross around my neck. I'd ripped a cheap one Daniel gave me from my neck at an extremely heartbreaking time when I was heavily pregnant. I just couldn't wear it.

So just like the book, as soon as I saw the necklace I confirmed his worst fear, he didn't know me at all and it was all over.

Do you remember the time when you had to wait 2-3 days, even sometimes a week for a new love interest to call you? You know, the days before the mobile phone (which was in fact mobile and not attached to a battery pack!), email, facebook or twitter? There was that unspoken rule (usually amongst men I suspect) if you call the next day you’re too keen and then there were the girls who constantly checked to see if there was a fault with their landline – or was that just me?!!

I remember when I met my Geordie ex when I was in Uni (all of 1 month) in Newcastle back in 1996. We had met on a Friday night and it wasn’t until the Monday that he finally phoned me. The anticipation over the weekend of wondering whether he would phone or not was unbearable but the rush of excitement when I heard his voice on the other end of the line was worth it.

It’s all too easy to say “facebook me” or “I’ll send you a text”. I don’t know about you (and this may seem picky) but I have judged someone purely on their texting abilities, misspelt words, grammar or putting apostrophes in the wrong place. This can often sway me between a “yay” or a “nay” when it comes to a date and it’s not like I can afford to be choosey! I can sympathise with my friend Rapunzel (www.talesfromthetower.co.uk) all too often you can get into a text conversation which leads anywhere but going on a date.

However, I have to admit that upon going on a date I have many a time “googled” a prospective boyfriend. I feel that my excuse for this is that I have a child and I need to know whether my date has had criminal tendencies.

Unfortunately it was my familiarity and use of modern technology that contributed to my most recent relationship breaking down, well, that among other things (we'll revisit this another time). So what would happen to the dating world if we took away text, email and instant messaging. Would it give us a chance to get to know someone for who they really are rather than making an assumption from their drunken Facebook pictures or the fact that their status is a bit naff?

If I handed over my landline number to a handsome young man, would it discourage him or would it show that he was actually serious about going out on a date with me if he phoned and used his voice to converse? Would it make us work harder at relationships or would we all get bored waiting in for that phonecall, tweet about it and move on?

Time flies, doesn't it? Or so the saying goes. I remember people saying to me, "make the most of it, before you know it she'll be all grown up". Of course I didn't believe that when I was struggling to breast feed, crying at my stretchmarks (I could see them so much better when my pregnant belly went down) and wondering if I'd ever be a good mum, I just wanted the time to pass quicker.

It's taken me over 8 years to accept that I am a single mum. I hated the title single mum, I always felt it brought up such negative connotations. Well, not anymore, uh uh uh, I'm about to change that. I work hard and through that I have provided a home for my daughter. I've taught her the importance of good manners, respect and appreciating life. I've made her aware that you have to work hard for things, nice things. The words benefits and the social do not exist in her vocabulary.

So, a proud, single mum I am. Don't get me wrong, there have been dates along the way, I even lived with Daniel for a year or so before I saw the light. I've done internet dating, blind dating and my last relationship (which finished yesterday - so you're bound to hear more about that soon!) was a set up at a party by friends.

I wonder whether in having a baby I missed my chance of meeting the person they (being everyone) refer to as "The One"? Perhaps he was a Dr in the hospital where I attended the NCH breast feeding support clinic? If I hadn't fled early with embarrassment from squirting another mum then maybe I would've bumped into him?

Or was he waiting for me at Glastonbury Festival this year but upon his approach into the sauna (that's naked, sauna) he noticed the man sitting next to me struggling to hide his growing erection with his elbow and decided to leave?

Where is this person that they refer to as "The One", does he exist and if he does, who the hell is he??

I'm rushing to write this as I know that if I don't do it tonight, I don't know when I'll get round to it!

On the 26th of September I gave birth to a beautiful baby girl at 5.30 am, weighing 7Ib 11oz and 52 cm long. I am so proud that I managed to survive the labour with just gas and air and required no stitches!

I think a lot of it's to do with having Auntie Anne as my birthing partner - she was brilliant and I am so glad that I shared such a wonderful and emotional event with her. The birth was the most amazing experience of my life and part of me still doesn't believe I did it!

Breastfeeding has been an interesting experience! I wonder when I will see the day that I can wear an ordinary bra? Daniel has been around every single day just about and we spend the last weekend together which I hate to say was lovely. He told me on Friday that he can't stop thinking about me, said that he misses me and wants to be with me but will that really happen?

Well, this is the last time I write before I am no longer a single woman. Next time I manage to find the time to write I will be a mum!

I still can't believe it and am feeling so sick with nerves. I am going into hospital tomorrow between 4 and 5 pm to be induced. Providing there are no complications I should have my baby by the night of Wednesday 26 September 2001. Auntie Anne (birthing partner) is on her way.

I still can't get my head around the whole thing.....

I am officially late now and the phone calls have started already.

I now have a horrible feeling that I am going to have to be induced but for some strange reason I feel more relaxed now that the due date has passed.

I went to Helen's wedding yesterday but went to the wrong bloody church! I ended up running like a mad person through town, that didn't start off the labour. I was even dancing at the wedding reception and that didn't get things moving, where is this baby??!!

Something dreadful happened today in New York. Two planes crashed into the World Trade Centres, I watched the whole thing on Sky News/CBS/BBC News 24, I was glued to the set.

I'd been cleaning the bathroom upstairs (think this is what they call "nesting" because it is not in my nature to be tidy!) when mum phoned from work and said that she'd heard something about a bomb going off in New York and to put on the news. I'd thought I'd heard something briefly about New York on the radio while I was cleaning but had dismissed it as I thought they were talking about a film. When I turned on the tv I couldn't believe what I was seeing and because it was live I watched as the second plane hit the other tower. I watched as people jumped from the trade centres and then as the towers fell people running from the rubble and ash that filled the air. I haven't been able to stop thinking about it. I have never seen anything like that in my life. There were further planes involved, all those people who have lost their lives. It was thought that the first plane might have been a freak accident but now it's transpiring that it's a terrorist attack. What the hell's going on, what kind of world am I bringing my child into??