The Single Mum Life

Only 5 1/2 weeks to go, give or take a couple. I had the hospital yesterday and thankfully everything is ok, although never had an ultrasound. I'm really disappointed as I wanted to see the baby. Even though I have this baby kicking inside me there is still a part of me that is in denial, that can't believe I'm actually going to be a mum. I've been told I'm very neat, in other words I just look like I have a football up my jumper so I was a bit anxious about the baby's size but the nurse reassured me and told me the baby's actually quite long (won't be taking after me then!). I heard the heartbeat again which made me think it may be a girl as it wasn't very fast. They say that a boy's heartbeat is faster than a girl's.

Sarah and Pam came around last night to see me and I felt like I had nothing to talk to them about. They didn't really ask me about the baby and I began to wonder why they had even bothered coming up. I suspect sadly that it was out of curiosity. Pam is Daniel's niece, she was in the year below me in school and we used to see each other out and about but rarely talked to each other. Since then she's become good friends with Sarah probably because I am no longer able to head out at the weekend - I'm no use now. When I was about 2-3 months pregnant I couldn't believe it when Pam came up to me in Marks & Spencers while I was looking at elasticated stretchy trousers. I could've died on the spot because I knew she'd be wondering why:

a) I was in Marks & Spencers shopping and
b) why I was looking at elasticated waistes.

She'd seen me out, she knew I was a Topshop girl, what was I going to say? I didn't say anything, she said it all for me.

"I know you're pregnant, Mum knows, Uncle Daniel's told her." This had taken me by surprise because he'd told me not to tell anyone, he didn't want me to tell mum, he just wanted me to go and have an abortion and keep it all quiet. When a male colleague came up to me and told me he'd been told by Daniel that I was pregnant I'd realised that apparently keeping it quiet was only applicable to me.

I haven't heard from Daniel all week, I'm realy disappointed because I'd told him I had the hospital appointment and he said he'd phone me before then. I have to accept that this baby is going to brought up by just me and that he's not going to play an active role. I will never stop the child from seeing him. However I will not let him screw up the baby's life or mine for that matter. I just hate how this whole experience has been tainted by his shitty behaviour.

I can't believe that I have got less than 8 weeks to go - it seems crazy that in 2 months time my life is going to completely change and I will be somebody's mum! I now have my changing unit set up which I have borrowed from mum's friend at work.

I still think about Daniel often and wonder if he will be there nearer the time, it's so difficult to know what to do for the best. I don't want my child to have some kind of distant relationship with their Dad.

Towards the end of last year I had decided I was going to travel around Australia. I'd put it off and off because mum wasn't keen about me going on my own but my flat mate Becky at the time said that she'd come with me so I started saving. I never imagined that I'd be using that money to buy a push chair (£350 - unbelievable, I sold my car for less!), a cot, a changing mat, the list goes on. I regret not travelling now, I've missed my chance, haven't I? There are times in your life when you should just grasp an opportunity because you just never know what could be around the corner.

I walked out of work today and not one person said goodbye to me. It was my last day.

The baby has been going crazy in my stomach and my waist is now 40 inches! My bellybutton is completely flat and looks as if it may just pop out! The other week my stomach felt really itchy and I wondered if I had a rash but because it has got so big I couldn't see so I had to ask Mum to look. "Oh, oh" was her reaction. Enter stretchmark number 1 into my life. It brought a certain amount of disgust and devestation to the kitchen that morning and then later that week it had brought along numbers 2, 3, 4, 5, 6......

Work is proving very difficult at the moment. Today I found someone had put a leaflet about baby seats on my chair. This may initially appear quite considerate but the sniggering man in the other office proved that this wasn't the case. So far I have had my boss tell me about the agonising labour pains that she went through, not to mention the still births as well as other upsetting remarks. Daniel hasn't stuck up for me once, in fact no-one has. I can't wait to go on maternity leave and get out of that place. It's not like I even make a fuss about being pregnant, I'm still carrying out tasks that I know I probably shouldn't but I don't want them to think that I'm not capable of the job. I'll need my job to come back to after all.

It's my birthday today and I actually had a really nice time. I'm back home living with Mum now and it's actually going ok, we seem to be getting on fine surprisingly. Daniel got me Jean-Paul Gaultier perfume, flowers and bizarrely Legend by Bob Marley on CD. I am curious as to his reasoning behind this choice as he has never heard me make any reference to reggae music or an undying love of Rastafarians. Don't get me wrong, back in the good old days before I was growing a little life inside me, I went through a phase of listening to Marley, that album in particular but it was usually accompanied by a special cigarette. Won't be having any more of those! In fact even cutting out alcohol hasn't been as hard as I thought it would be, your priorities change - don't they?

Take last Saturday for example. I decided to go out for a change, well, these days my friends aren't so keen to come and spend a Saturday night in with me. It was a whole new experience, going to a club without my beer goggles on. In fact it was quite worrying watching some of the girls initially looking all glam but slowly deteriorating into women who could barely keep their eyelids open, let alone stand. Moving from one bloke to another. Had I been like that? God, were people looking at me thinking "it's not surprising she's pregnant and on her own, remember the states she used to get into?" I'd sat at home feeling like I was missing out while my friends were heading out every weekend when in actual fact I wasn't missing anything. Was this what I used to think was a good weekend?

To add insult to injury I ended up bumping into Daniel, his face dropped when he saw me and he looked absolutely gutted. I felt like a complete embarrassment to him, he assured me that he was pleased to see me but his eyes said something else.

I really should be making more of an effort to record every little detail about my baby's development. I've been rubbish so far and totally wrapped up in whatever has been going on with Daniel. I've even been thinking today about whether I should give the baby his surname! There's a part of me that wonders why I am thinking like this. I have come to the conclusion that I must love him. I do miss him and I hate to admit that. Is it a case that because I can't have him, I want him more? I mean, I know I'm carrying his baby so there's an obvious tie but had I not got pregnant would I still be interested in him?

The problem is that when he's got a drink in him he calls, tells me he wants to be with me, his wife and him are sleeping in separate beds blah, blah, blah. He called me on Saturday night drunk but I didn't take much notice of him or at least I tried not to.

I don't expect him to chose between his children and I but I can't compete with his wife. I feel awful that inadvertently I've ended up having an affair with a man who was originally separated and I'm carrying his child.