Tuesday, 10 August 2010
"Cold and calculated". The words rang louder and longer in my head than my alarm clock had that morning. I'm still hearing them now, a couple of weeks later.

I stood momentarily, reading the text over and over again that morning wondering how someone who was so in love with me could be so horrible but ironically that was probably exactly what Mr Rockstar was wondering too.

It had been the morning after I'd ended things with him over the phone. I'd woken up from a dream that consisted of me discovering that I was still pregnant and was happy. The buzz from the mobile had startled me and broke me from my happy place, bump and all. Before I had time to comprehend the dream, I looked at my phone.

I knew he'd be angry with me and I knew he'd be upset. I'd withdrawn from the relationship for over 2 months but yet had refused to end it. He'd been left hanging around wondering what my thoughts were and whether I still loved him. Only a week before I'd indicated that we should take things slowly but I'd also told him I'd changed. Perhaps I just hadn't appreciated how much.

It was a long text. A long, angry text.

Should I reply to the text or should I just leave it? There was a part of me though that felt I had to defend myself. I hadn't planned all of this, I wasn't trying to make a fool of him, I was gutted things hadn't worked out and yes, I knew it was because of me. My instinct was to leave it though. Nothing I could say was going to make Mr Rockstar feel better. My mother however, suggested I should text him back. That we needed to speak face to face. I have to agree, I had never intended it to end over the phone. He deserved better than that but when I opened the conversation with "we need to talk about us", things escalated. We'd finished the conversation by wishing each other the best in life. But needless to say, things were different by the morning.

"He's not going to want to meet up at the weekend to speak face to face" I said to my mother. "I know it'll just make him mad if I say that in the text". However, I went ahead and did as I was told in untypical daughter fashion.

He went mad. I had just made things worse. Sorry, my mother's advice had just made things even worse.

And then there was my blog, I began to think it probably hadn't been a good idea to tell him about that.......



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Bird on a Wire
Imagine Carrie from Sex and the City morphed with Bridget Jones and a baby thrown in for added entertainment – that’s me, the ever optimistic romantic looking for my Mr Big but already with child! Read my blog from the beginning where I find out I am pregnant following a brief fling with my much older male colleague and fast forward to where I am now, stressed out working mum to my beautiful 10 year old daughter wondering if love really does in fact exist at first sight.
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