Tuesday, 20 July 2010
I’ve started this post many times over the last couple of months. Never knowing quite how to start it or where to end it. Should I speak about the termination? What about the suicidal tendencies? How do I throw in the impending house move and saying goodbye to Edinburgh? Do I mention my birthday/leaving night and the fact nobody turned up? And what about Mr Rockstar, where does he fit in amongst all of this?

Does anyone really want to hear how shit my life has been for the past couple of months? Possibly, it often makes us feel better when we hear how awful someone else's is, after all, that's why I watch Eastenders.

But if you're still reading, I shall go on.....

The termination - well, for some reason I thought going through it for the second time would be easier. I was having the surgical procedure which would mean that I would be knocked out and wouldn’t face the traumatic experience of passing the pregnancy. What I hadn’t anticipated on, was having to wait in a day surgery waiting room at the hospital on my own for over 5 hours amongst pensioners getting knee transplants while my body slowly prepared for the surgical intrusion of having a baby removed. Being on your own for 5 hours gives you a lot of time to think about things. While my stomach produced the odd cramp I sat there and apologised in my head to the baby. I built up quite a lot of self hatred that morning, getting angry with myself for being so stupid and telling myself that I was a bad mother. I wondered whether this was it. Would I ever want to be pregnant again, would I ever be able to conceive again? I questioned whether I’d made the right decision, because it was my decision, Mr Rockstar never once said we should consider a termination.

I had tried to come to a conclusion with Mr Rockstar about what we should do but I knew that he didn’t want to make the decision. “People have babies all the time”, he said. Yes they do, I’d witnessed that enough through my work in child welfare. Drug addicts have babies, people who were incapable of looking after themselves have babies. Having the baby is the easy part, looking after it is another thing entirely. I tried to reason with him, explain to him that I had already been there, I knew how difficult it was to raise a child and I could see that we weren’t ready for it both financially and mentally. The problem was we were both too emotional and were unable to communicate in a rational manner. That’s when I took control. Rightly or wrongly I made the appointment to see a pregnancy counsellor with a view to setting up a termination appointment. With only 3 weeks left to make a decision, I had to act quickly. I thought I would come out of the counselling session thinking “no, I want to have this baby, I can have this baby” but disappointingly I didn’t. I felt more certain that there was no other option. It just wasn’t a decision I wanted to make on my own.

The sad truth is that following the termination, I couldn’t face Mr Rockstar and I didn’t want to communicate with him. I shut him out, it was the only way I felt I could cope with what had happened. I felt that if he was around me he would only make me feel worse. I know how selfish that sounds, I know that we should have been there for each other but I needed to be there for Evie, I needed to put her first and I couldn't allow myself to feel anything.

Within a week of the termination though, things only went from bad to worse. While I was recovering at my Mum’s up in the Highlands, I decided to visit my house (I've been renting it out while I work in Edinburgh). My last lot of tenants had just moved out and when I saw it I was on the brink of tears. The place was in a terrible state of disrepair, there was no way that I was going to be able to rent it out again and that only meant one thing, I was going to have to leave Edinburgh. I’d already gone through 2 months of having to scrape/borrow money to pay for my rent in Edinburgh and my mortgage for my house, I’d used all my resources, there was nothing left.

I’d barely had time to react to the termination properly and think about Mr Rockstar, when suddenly I was thrust into giving notice on my flat in Edinburgh, remortgaging my house, breaking the news to Evie that she was going to have to leave all her friends, trying to arrange new childcare and begging my employers to allow me to remotely work from our Highland base. I spent two weeks agonising not knowing if I was going to have a job while I waited for my boss and the HR department to decide my fate. They allowed me a 3 month remote working contract.

Which brings me to where I am now, back in the Highlands with Evie, living with my Mum because my house is inhabitable. So what about the suicidal tendencies, my disastrous birthday/leaving night and Mr Rockstar? Well, some things just aren't meant to be.......



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Bird on a Wire
Imagine Carrie from Sex and the City morphed with Bridget Jones and a baby thrown in for added entertainment – that’s me, the ever optimistic romantic looking for my Mr Big but already with child! Read my blog from the beginning where I find out I am pregnant following a brief fling with my much older male colleague and fast forward to where I am now, stressed out working mum to my beautiful 10 year old daughter wondering if love really does in fact exist at first sight.
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