Monday, 10 May 2010
It wasn't supposed to be like this, this post. I was supposed to be spreading the joy, I was supposed to be glowing, that's what they say - don't they? You're glowing. But I'm not. I'm 10 weeks pregnant and everything has culminated into a terrible mess. Shall I rewind?

After the last negative pregnancy test, I did a further one a week later, just a cheap one from Boots, nothing fancy this time. Initially it looked like it was going to be negative again but after 5 minutes that infamous red line came up - positive.

Mr Rockstar and I were very excited, so much so that Evie picked up on the news a lot sooner than I would've liked. There was certainly a buzz around that night. I woke up at 6 am the next morning with my head spinning. I couldn't get back to sleep. The initial fear was the thought of the dreaded morning (or rather all day) sickness, I knew how ill it had made me in the past - how was I going to cope this time? Of course, what I had to keep reminding myself was that there were two people involved in this, Mr Rockstar would be able to help, although we didn't live together yet, there was no reason why he couldn't come and stay with me during the sickness. He'd be able to commute to work, people did it all the time by train from Edinburgh to Glasgow or vice versa. I would later realise that this rule didn't apply to builders.

Through our excitement we told our parents. Although shocked they were happy as long as we were happy and we were happy. We loved each other and that would get us through it.

The cracks started to appear pretty much as soon as I started to get sick. Luckily (or so I thought) when the sickness kicked in I was on a weeks leave as I was arranging a surprise 70th birthday party for my Father during the Easter break so thankfully didn't have to phone in sick to work. However it made what was already a stressful week even harder because I was unable to eat, had no energy yet somehow had to find the strength to arrange catering, balloons, etc as well as trying to keep Evie occupied.

The following week Mr Rockstar came to stay with me for a few days to help me out. It was a complete disaster. As he doesn't have a driver's license he had to rely on public transport. In the past when he'd stayed at mine during the week he'd got the train and always arrived on time for work but that was one day, to get the train all week would be a massive expense so he went for the bus instead. I'd gone into work that day but had left at lunchtime as I just couldn't cope with constantly feeling like I might throw up at any moment. I suddenly realised that there was no way I was going to be able to keep this from my boss. I couldn't work and besides, my Doctor's line would state quite clearly what was "wrong" with me. Mr Rockstar had left my flat that day just after 5 am and was late for work, the bus almost took double the time of the train. By the time he got back to mine, went food shopping for dinner (I couldn't face the food let alone the supermarket) and cooked it, it was after 9 pm. I hoped that this was perhaps just a one off, that it would be easier the next day. It wasn't. By the time I saw Mr Rockstar walking down the steps to my flat the next day almost an hour and a half later than the previous day I knew we were in trouble.

Mr Rockstar looked absolutely exhausted and unfortunately due to my pregnant sickly state I was unable to give him the attention that he needed. My sense of smell was ridiculously sensitive and I just couldn't be too close to him after he'd had a hard day grafting. Plus when I'd seen how tired he looked I said to him that he should have just taken his bag with him in the morning so that he could have stayed at his flat in Glasgow and got a proper rest. I realised that it wasn't benefiting either of us but unfortunately he took this as rejection. We decided that it just wasn't workable - the commuting.

I spent the next week or so struggling to get myself out of bed, get Evie off to school and then the rest of the day lying on the couch feeling like utter crap with only the TV for company. I lived on Frosties and toast. The only time I didn't feel sick was when I was asleep. During that week, signed off work, I started to think more and more about what Mr Rockstar and I were getting ourselves in to. Suddenly all the little things that didn't really matter e.g. not living in the same city, Mr Rockstar not having a car were suddenly turning into really big things for me. It was fair to say I was having severe doubts about whether going through with the pregnancy was the right decision. For days I let things go through my head. I trawled the internet to see if it was common for women to really want a child and then suddenly not. It seems it's not something that many women write about, certainly not on forums. When I went back to work I immediately had a meeting with my boss and feigned happiness at my news. Deep down though I was feeling very alone. I knew Mr Rockstar was there for me but somehow I still felt alone.

Working full time while dealing with Evie in the mornings and evenings was taking its toll. I was constantly exhausted and struggling to know what to eat. Dinner times were awful. I had to open the fridge without breathing because the slight smell of food was making me wretch. Mentally and physically I was feeling drained. I found myself constantly wondering how we'd cope. Or if I'm more honest, how I'd cope. All of a sudden all I could see in the future was myself with 1 child and 1 baby. My life had already been a struggle for the past 8 years, I could only see it getting worse. I had no family support in Edinburgh like I'd had up North when I'd had Evie. Who was going to help me? For some reason I suddenly felt fully responsible for this baby. It wasn't supposed to feel like this. I was supposed to feel like I had someone to share the pregnancy with me, why didn't I feel like that?

The truth of the matter was that Mr Rockstar and I didn't really know each other. Certainly not enough to be sure that we could provide a loving, stable home for a baby. Sure we had a bit of history but I'd been a teenager then. Perhaps if I didn't have Evie and had an air of ignorance surrounding the situation I may have thrown caution to the wind but as it was I'd already been there. I knew exactly how much hard work was involved in having a child and I knew that I wasn't ready to take a chance on something that might or might not work out. The thought of ending up a single mum all over again filled me with utter fear.

It left us with only one option and me facing the sad truth that love simply wasn't enough.


Eva said...

Hey I'm new as a blogger here at blogspot, but have been following your blog for a little while (got to know it through Tales from the Tower). I'd love for you to check out mine! It's an online novel based on my experiences as a single 20-something girl.

Anonymous said...

really looking forward to the next exciting blog update!


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Bird on a Wire
Imagine Carrie from Sex and the City morphed with Bridget Jones and a baby thrown in for added entertainment – that’s me, the ever optimistic romantic looking for my Mr Big but already with child! Read my blog from the beginning where I find out I am pregnant following a brief fling with my much older male colleague and fast forward to where I am now, stressed out working mum to my beautiful 10 year old daughter wondering if love really does in fact exist at first sight.
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