Thursday, 25 March 2010
As I prepared to pee on that infamous stick I couldn't help but think back to the last time I’d been in this situation and found out I was pregnant and I’m not talking about Evie here.

If you’ve been reading for a while, you will know that Evie’s Dad, Daniel and I lived together briefly when Evie was about 2. Ten months down the line and on the pill, I missed a period. I’d been away on a training course for work for a couple of nights the previous month and had been unable to pick up my repeat prescription so missed out on the first 3 pills of the packet. I remember saying to him one night in bed when he was being amorous that it was a “dangerous time” but he said it didn’t matter, it was ok, we’d got through worse. Of course what he really meant was I’m not worried about that just now, I just want to have sex with you.

During that period free week I kept saying to him, “I think I might be pregnant”. He repeated his previous line, that we’d got through worse. I should have reminded him that actually I'd got through worse, I don't particularly remember him being around helping me through things. “What if I am pregnant though?” He repeated the same line. He was playing the ostrich card.

On the date that I should have restarted my pill I bought a double pregnancy pack and used the first one in the toilets at work on my lunch break. If I was pregnant I wanted to be prepared within myself to deal with his reaction. It didn’t take long for the two parallel lines to appear and my heart sank, probably because I knew deep down what his reaction would be.

That evening I told Daniel that I'd bought a pregnancy test and went upstairs to use the second one. When I came back downstairs, I sat on the couch and showed him the test, already knowing myself that it would be positive. I thought to myself that he couldn't possibly react as badly as he did when I told him I was pregnant with Evie. We were living together now and 2 years had passed. He would be ok, wouldn't he? "There's no way we can have this baby" he said to me.

Within a week I was suffering from the effects of morning sickness and after two days off work had to admit to my line manager that I was pregnant. I tried to talk to Daniel. I told him that if I had to go through a termination it would be the end of us too. I couldn't believe he was doing this to me, all over again. I could almost understand why he was like this with Evie, we'd only been together a month but now we had a home, we were a family. I spent the next week or so thinking about what I was going to do while struggling with the constant nausea. This was my problem now, he'd made that clear to me. It was possibly the hardest decision that I ever had to make and within 3 weeks of finding out I was pregnant again, I had a termination. It was an extremely traumatic experience, with the procedure not going to plan and finding myself being wheeled through to theatre for the surgical procedure. Of course I believed that I was being punished when the medical method didn't work because I had wanted the baby. But I knew that if I was going to leave Daniel and make a new life for Evie and I in the future I was going to have to make this sacrifice. Five months later I told Daniel I wanted a separation.

I've been left wondering ever since whether I'll be able to have another baby. When I told Mr Rockstar that I was going to take the test he reassured me that he would be there for me. Although I believed him there was a tiny part of me that was still doubtful because of what had happened in the past. "You won't leave me will you?" Suddenly, after trying to act cool for so long, I was showing him my vulnerable side. He promised me he wouldn't.

As we both sat there and watched the test change it suddenly dawned on me that this was the first time someone, a boyfriend, had been with me while I waited to find out whether I was pregnant or not.

One single line, I wasn't pregnant. We both looked at it, wondering if it needed more time, nope, definitely negative. It was a strange feeling. After working ourselves up over the possibility of a little life developing inside me we almost felt slight disappointment for the baby that never was.


Lottie said...

Wonderfully written, it will take a while to get over it because even if you are not sure if you would like another baby, its hard not to like skip forward and think oo what if I am!
So you have to come to terms with what ever feelings that come up..

Lottie x


Follow singlemumlife on Twitter

About Me

My Photo
Bird on a Wire
Imagine Carrie from Sex and the City morphed with Bridget Jones and a baby thrown in for added entertainment – that’s me, the ever optimistic romantic looking for my Mr Big but already with child! Read my blog from the beginning where I find out I am pregnant following a brief fling with my much older male colleague and fast forward to where I am now, stressed out working mum to my beautiful 10 year old daughter wondering if love really does in fact exist at first sight.
View my complete profile