Friday, 5 February 2010
After managing to convince Mr Offshore to see a therapist regarding his jealousy he suddenly informed me after the first meeting that his shrink thought I had a strong attachment with my past and for some reason there was a need for me to keep in touch with ex boyfriends. This was bad according to his shrink. It was unnatural. They were like individual comfort blankets, I had to keep close to get me through life.

Some people live in the past. I like to think that I’m not one of those people. I try to use my experiences, good or bad from the past to push me forward, to aspire for better things. To remind myself that if I got through crap times before, I can again. After all, what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Of course that’s all good and well unless you have a box of diaries sitting in your airing cupboard ranging from your early teens into your late 20s.

Last night it suddenly dawned on me that my diaries might hold a few answers as to what had gone on between Mr Rockstar and I back in 1994. Our memories of events were both pretty jaded and my diary seemed to reflect this with the words “I was completely wasted” being used on more than one occasion around that period. I thought it was fairly likely that he would be mentioned as there have been 3 re-occurring themes throughout all my diaries..... men, being unhappy with my figure and never being cool enough. I actually gave up my diary writing last year because it suddenly dawned on me that after 18 years I was still spouting the same old shit.

I reached for the box and located my diary of 1994 near the bottom. I slowly turned the pages many of which had come away from the binding and there was the first mention of him. I'm discussing how much I fancy his friend who I've seen round at his, that he's "my stereotypical guy, 70s in appearance, funny, long hair...." Bugger, I had hoped I would be mentioning Mr Rockstar in better circumstances. As I read on, I also discover that I have a boyfriend while I'm writing all this. Not just any boyfriend, the boy I lost my virginity to. It appears that I'm losing interest in him, already at 17 I'm asking my boyfriend to get a grip and grow up, some things never change.

A couple of entries later and there is Mr Rockstar again, ah, things are happening now, apparently it wasn't all me, he started it by holding my hand. Then outside the pub he kisses me, "God, he kisses so passionately it's a kind of kiss that should be in a film or on TV. Tomorrow I'm going to tell Jamie I don't want..." But wait, what's this, another boyfriend? I honestly didn't think I had so many boyfriends back then - what a hussy. It would seem that I also repay Mr Rockstar's passionate kissing by calling him a "user". I'm not liking my 17 year old self very much at the moment and it only gets worse. After snogging the face of Mr Rockstar I finally get the courage to dump the aforementioned Jamie only to phone Mr Rockstar's friend a couple of days later. "I hate fancying people, it depresses me." I was bloody depressing me...

The rest of the entries consist of me trying to get together with the friend, and telling Mr Rockstar that I knew "what he was up to, that he was using me". Except on one particular night I find out that he hasn't been using me, it had all been a pack of lies fed to me by my cherry picking ex boyfriend. Suddenly it becomes clear that I have really hurt Mr Rockstar's feelings (so perhaps I did have a heart back then?). Oh hold on, further down the page it looks like I've decided that as I'm drunk I may as well snog the friend anyway! Fast forward a week and I'm eating humble pie, the friend hasn't lived up to my expectations and I can't stop thinking about Mr Rockstar........and Scott! What?? Is it possible that I can add another guy into this tangled web of teenage lust? Apparently so.

The last entry involving Mr Rockstar ended the way it had all started, with him holding my hand. We never kissed that night at the party or saw each other again until the funeral of his band mate some years later.

As I closed the first chapter on Mr Rockstar and I, I felt thoroughly ashamed and mortified. I was really upset that I had treated him in that way all those years ago and that I had instantly judged him before getting to know him.

Sometimes we all need to take a trip down memory lane, to remind us of where we've been and where we want to go. That night I revisited the past and although I didn't enjoy it I learnt something. The fact that I got so upset over reading how I had treated Mr Rockstar proved one thing, this time the boy had got to me.


Rapunzel said...

This is brilliant!!

How good that you were able to be transported back in time to then. Very jealous and also very impressed that you kept such descriptive diaries!

Rapunzel xx

Kitty Moore said...

Do you think his therapist really said that? Could it be him saying it and pretending it came from his therapist?

Kitty x

Bird on a Wire said...

I did wonder that Kitty, I guess I'll never know now.




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Bird on a Wire
Imagine Carrie from Sex and the City morphed with Bridget Jones and a baby thrown in for added entertainment – that’s me, the ever optimistic romantic looking for my Mr Big but already with child! Read my blog from the beginning where I find out I am pregnant following a brief fling with my much older male colleague and fast forward to where I am now, stressed out working mum to my beautiful 10 year old daughter wondering if love really does in fact exist at first sight.
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