The Single Mum Life

Time flies, doesn't it? Or so the saying goes. I remember people saying to me, "make the most of it, before you know it she'll be all grown up". Of course I didn't believe that when I was struggling to breast feed, crying at my stretchmarks (I could see them so much better when my pregnant belly went down) and wondering if I'd ever be a good mum, I just wanted the time to pass quicker.

It's taken me over 8 years to accept that I am a single mum. I hated the title single mum, I always felt it brought up such negative connotations. Well, not anymore, uh uh uh, I'm about to change that. I work hard and through that I have provided a home for my daughter. I've taught her the importance of good manners, respect and appreciating life. I've made her aware that you have to work hard for things, nice things. The words benefits and the social do not exist in her vocabulary.

So, a proud, single mum I am. Don't get me wrong, there have been dates along the way, I even lived with Daniel for a year or so before I saw the light. I've done internet dating, blind dating and my last relationship (which finished yesterday - so you're bound to hear more about that soon!) was a set up at a party by friends.

I wonder whether in having a baby I missed my chance of meeting the person they (being everyone) refer to as "The One"? Perhaps he was a Dr in the hospital where I attended the NCH breast feeding support clinic? If I hadn't fled early with embarrassment from squirting another mum then maybe I would've bumped into him?

Or was he waiting for me at Glastonbury Festival this year but upon his approach into the sauna (that's naked, sauna) he noticed the man sitting next to me struggling to hide his growing erection with his elbow and decided to leave?

Where is this person that they refer to as "The One", does he exist and if he does, who the hell is he??

I'm rushing to write this as I know that if I don't do it tonight, I don't know when I'll get round to it!

On the 26th of September I gave birth to a beautiful baby girl at 5.30 am, weighing 7Ib 11oz and 52 cm long. I am so proud that I managed to survive the labour with just gas and air and required no stitches!

I think a lot of it's to do with having Auntie Anne as my birthing partner - she was brilliant and I am so glad that I shared such a wonderful and emotional event with her. The birth was the most amazing experience of my life and part of me still doesn't believe I did it!

Breastfeeding has been an interesting experience! I wonder when I will see the day that I can wear an ordinary bra? Daniel has been around every single day just about and we spend the last weekend together which I hate to say was lovely. He told me on Friday that he can't stop thinking about me, said that he misses me and wants to be with me but will that really happen?

Well, this is the last time I write before I am no longer a single woman. Next time I manage to find the time to write I will be a mum!

I still can't believe it and am feeling so sick with nerves. I am going into hospital tomorrow between 4 and 5 pm to be induced. Providing there are no complications I should have my baby by the night of Wednesday 26 September 2001. Auntie Anne (birthing partner) is on her way.

I still can't get my head around the whole thing.....

I am officially late now and the phone calls have started already.

I now have a horrible feeling that I am going to have to be induced but for some strange reason I feel more relaxed now that the due date has passed.

I went to Helen's wedding yesterday but went to the wrong bloody church! I ended up running like a mad person through town, that didn't start off the labour. I was even dancing at the wedding reception and that didn't get things moving, where is this baby??!!

Something dreadful happened today in New York. Two planes crashed into the World Trade Centres, I watched the whole thing on Sky News/CBS/BBC News 24, I was glued to the set.

I'd been cleaning the bathroom upstairs (think this is what they call "nesting" because it is not in my nature to be tidy!) when mum phoned from work and said that she'd heard something about a bomb going off in New York and to put on the news. I'd thought I'd heard something briefly about New York on the radio while I was cleaning but had dismissed it as I thought they were talking about a film. When I turned on the tv I couldn't believe what I was seeing and because it was live I watched as the second plane hit the other tower. I watched as people jumped from the trade centres and then as the towers fell people running from the rubble and ash that filled the air. I haven't been able to stop thinking about it. I have never seen anything like that in my life. There were further planes involved, all those people who have lost their lives. It was thought that the first plane might have been a freak accident but now it's transpiring that it's a terrorist attack. What the hell's going on, what kind of world am I bringing my child into??

I feel I'm really getting to know this baby now. It's just so active and makes me laugh so much. I'm just so desperate to know what it looks like, whether it's a boy or a girl but at the same time shitting myself about the whole labour thing.

My pushchair has arrived and I spent most of the evening trying to get the knack of all the gadgets etc. It's an amazing thing. I have the Dr tomorrow and will now have to go every week. My stretchmarks are absolutely repulsive and I constantly wonder will my body ever recover? I still have to complete my birthing plan and need to think about packing my hospital bags as the baby could come early.

I feel like I'm carry a boy, they say ("they" being old wives) that if you're all out the front with your bump then it's a boy, which I am. The issue is that Daniel already has 2 daughters and there's a part of me that thinks that it would make such a difference if the baby was a boy, he'd be more interested then. I hate that, I just wish I felt neutral because although I don't think I would, I would hate to feel disappointed at having a girl. When I think about all the lovely girly clothes you can get, pinks, ribbons, bunches, going to see Robbie together (I would just be escorting of course!). God, I can't believe I've just about done it!

Only 5 1/2 weeks to go, give or take a couple. I had the hospital yesterday and thankfully everything is ok, although never had an ultrasound. I'm really disappointed as I wanted to see the baby. Even though I have this baby kicking inside me there is still a part of me that is in denial, that can't believe I'm actually going to be a mum. I've been told I'm very neat, in other words I just look like I have a football up my jumper so I was a bit anxious about the baby's size but the nurse reassured me and told me the baby's actually quite long (won't be taking after me then!). I heard the heartbeat again which made me think it may be a girl as it wasn't very fast. They say that a boy's heartbeat is faster than a girl's.

Sarah and Pam came around last night to see me and I felt like I had nothing to talk to them about. They didn't really ask me about the baby and I began to wonder why they had even bothered coming up. I suspect sadly that it was out of curiosity. Pam is Daniel's niece, she was in the year below me in school and we used to see each other out and about but rarely talked to each other. Since then she's become good friends with Sarah probably because I am no longer able to head out at the weekend - I'm no use now. When I was about 2-3 months pregnant I couldn't believe it when Pam came up to me in Marks & Spencers while I was looking at elasticated stretchy trousers. I could've died on the spot because I knew she'd be wondering why:

a) I was in Marks & Spencers shopping and
b) why I was looking at elasticated waistes.

She'd seen me out, she knew I was a Topshop girl, what was I going to say? I didn't say anything, she said it all for me.

"I know you're pregnant, Mum knows, Uncle Daniel's told her." This had taken me by surprise because he'd told me not to tell anyone, he didn't want me to tell mum, he just wanted me to go and have an abortion and keep it all quiet. When a male colleague came up to me and told me he'd been told by Daniel that I was pregnant I'd realised that apparently keeping it quiet was only applicable to me.

I haven't heard from Daniel all week, I'm realy disappointed because I'd told him I had the hospital appointment and he said he'd phone me before then. I have to accept that this baby is going to brought up by just me and that he's not going to play an active role. I will never stop the child from seeing him. However I will not let him screw up the baby's life or mine for that matter. I just hate how this whole experience has been tainted by his shitty behaviour.