Tuesday, 5 April 2011
Ok, so the idea was that this posting was going to start off with a lot of grovelling for the fact that I haven’t written for ages. Believe me, I wanted to write, lots, but no laptop and no broadband causes a blogger major problems, especially if you are based in the Highlands. After my apologies I was going to tell you about my sleazy Spanish Uncle during my trip to Tenerife, the Armani pants, my job disappearing, putting a roof over my father’s head, banning my mother’s partner from my house and a potential breakdown but this will all have to wait…..

I last left you with memories of meeting The Ace and the predicament that his girlfriend did not know about our current friendship, well, four weeks ago she found out that I existed.

This is not good. This is not good because she came across an email that contained the lines: “…what’s worse is that I keep thinking about kissing you!! Hmm, this celibacy faze is having a negative impact in more ways than one! x”.

The thing is, I was being ironic or at least I was trying to be. To say there’s been a drought would be an understatement. I have not been near a man in a long, long time. I have had no desire, no interest and let’s face it no opportunity to meet anyone up here in the sticks. I am so far removed from the species that is the opposite sex that I could be respectfully welcomed into a Convent without questions being raised of my past. In a word, I am practically virginal.

So the email was a dig at this and in a way, at The Ace. That it had been so long since I’d been with someone, anyone, that I was even thinking about kissing him. And so a day after sending that email and after receiving a response from The Ace telling me of the “wonderful” news I terminated our friendship. I didn’t want to be responsible for the breakdown of his relationship.
Let’s face it, his relationship (no matter how difficult at times) was more important then our friendship. I’m sure Mr Offshore would have something to say about that considering I never ended my friendship with The Ace when he expressed unhappiness.

Anyway, I digress, the truth of it all is that I did what I felt was right for The Ace and perhaps deep down what was right for me too. I sent him one final email to say that I was saying goodbye. I told him that maybe our friendship had been holding us back from progressing with our own relationships without realising it. I told him that I thought he was great but I don’t think I told him that I would miss him. The truth is, I went looking for him, he didn’t look for me all those years ago and more recently. Perhaps I should think about that fact a bit more.

Was there a part of me that secretly hoped he would come and see me when his girlfriend was threatening to pack his bags? The simple but at the same time confusing answer is yes. This is what I am struggling with. In fact this is what I’ve struggled with for a few months now. I thought I was fine, I felt quite strong saying goodbye to him by email, yes I was sad but I suppose I always knew it was bound to happen at some point or at least I thought I did.

There is no doubt in my mind that at the time I first met up with The Ace at the City Cafe Bar after 10 years apart I wasn’t physically attracted to him and I’m ashamed to say it was because he was starting to lose his hair. I have a thing about hair, there needs to be lots, not Jon Bon Jovi in the old days but something substantial and maybe it’s because The Ace’s hairstyle back in my college days was the first thing that appealed to me.

What I’ve since discovered though and what appears to be worse is that mentally, I was and have been, extremely attracted to him. When I used to discuss our friendship with my Mother through various relationships ups and downs she would always say “but you don’t fancy him do you?” To which I would reply “well no, I don’t think so” and then she would ask the penultimate “can you imagine your life without him?” The answer wasn’t indecisive, it was a clear “no”.

I’ve not really spoken to anyone about saying goodbye to him properly, I think I was in denial for a bit. I thought I was doing fine. In fact I joined an internet dating website last week to “get myself back out there”. Mr Rockstar is in a relationship which in a strange way made me feel like I had permission to revisit the dating scene.

But then last night I dreamt of The Ace, suddenly today, I miss him, a lot. However, I let him go all those years ago when he moved to London with BMW woman (who now happens to be married to a famous actor) and I can do it again.

This time though it will be for good, I can’t and won’t look for him again.


Donnie Serafinowitz said...

Alomst virginal?!!! Behave!


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Bird on a Wire
Imagine Carrie from Sex and the City morphed with Bridget Jones and a baby thrown in for added entertainment – that’s me, the ever optimistic romantic looking for my Mr Big but already with child! Read my blog from the beginning where I find out I am pregnant following a brief fling with my much older male colleague and fast forward to where I am now, stressed out working mum to my beautiful 10 year old daughter wondering if love really does in fact exist at first sight.
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